Today, I shall struggle, and struggle I do so well

I'm struggling today, with the concept of...everything.
A lot over my lifetime I have felt empty and I'm trying to find what is suppose to fill that void. I've tried food, running and boxing, kids, family, addictions, extreme spending habits in hobbies and other things.

I want to be a good person because that's what I am, I don't feel a person should have to be negotiated with and bought with a reward/prize for them to live by the rules of being a good person.
Now hear me out.
Those rules are just common sense. Don't murder, well no shit. Don't take property that doesn't belong to you, also common sense that's why it's in every single religion no matter the variation, it's just obvious.

I was reading that beliefs and religion are 90% of the time tradition, being trained, and environment, how you were raised. Some were forced to go to church from a young age and still continue to go as we get older, I do not fall into that category. I will say brought up there were things that were off limits, Mardi gras beavis and butthead,  blossom, Roseanne, all the music except country and gospel, sex before marriage, etc...my first trip to a Mardi grad parade was 5 years ago with my current boyfriend, I still to this day have never seen an episode of beavis and butthead or blossom. I now love Roseanne once I got past the sick feeling when watched and realized how freaking real that show was, I now listen to anything but country, but honestly that started many many years ago. I still cannot fathom how a song about getting drunk and cheating on your girl is better than anything else in any other genre, literally blows my mind.

In psychology classes your shown that literally everything about a person is a trained behavior a learned behavior. Environment often plays as much of a part in their life as the genes they are born with from their mother and father.
To believe something other than what you've been drilled about your whole life is to shatter your entire existence, it's too look with clear open willing eyes and do no comparisons.
Out of the many many many religions we have how can there only be 1 true God out of them all and that 1 true God will only reward the ones who guessed the correct religion to put their faith and lives in, and only those who followed are rewarded with entry into heaven. And that same loving powerful almighty God turns away from the millions of other good people who just chose to believe on the wrong religion. I mean, is that really how it works?? Can the guy who loves  another man but is a good person, one of the best, will do anything for anyone, loves with all his heart and soul, doesn't judge, has done no other wrong, how can that man be turned away. How is he not good enough?

I understand religion and God are touchy subjects, both sensitive and intimate to some. I'm not saying I don't believe in God or a God, I also am not saying I don't believe in a lack of a physical ever powerful God, I'm saying and I'm admitting that I just don't know and I find it very hard to put aside all my questions and blindly believe and follow something/someone. I don't understand how someone who believes in a God and trusts him, and yet finds it in their heart to spew hate to something that which doesn't belong in their religion. Is it just because you go sit on a pew in a church ever Sunday and listen to a preacher tell you how to get into heaven and how to be a better person?? I don't think that makes your hate filled words any less harmful and hurtful than if you had slept in that Sunday morning.

Today, I'm struggling. As a mother I am struggling. Every day I struggle at this, but some days are a little more rough than others, today is one of those days. It's one of those 'if I hear the word mom one more time I'm going to screa.', that's today. I am far from perfect, I try to do things completely different than when I was growing up. I hug my children daily, they know I love them in both words and action, they trust they can come to me about anything and they have and do. When my child makes a friend who is a good and kind person that I personally like as their friend I tell them, it was not like that growing up for me. I never had a friend good enough to my mother's trust and love.

I never intended for my posts to be about religion, I guess I just had somethings I needed to get off my chest.

I talked to Michael tonight, we talked about religion and then about my private blog posts that are more like journals for me. About how I have always wanted to write a book and I thought this would help me figure out how to say what I wanted to say. And much to my dismay he said if that's something you've always wwabted to do then go for it, do it, maybe some of the things you write about need to be heard by the ones they are about. He is a very loving supportive man of all of my crazy misadventures and he has my whole heart.
I'm going to end today's on that much lighter note.