Hey it is me, May Leigh

Though giving it serious thought over many years I have never given in to starting a blog, just making time, dedication, finding time, did I say that already?? Recently I have started focusing on how I want my life to be, now, going forward, in the future, and I have recently realized there are things I need to change, add, remove from my life. Important things, make a difference things, or things that just no longer matter at all.
I am 35 years old, I am a single mother of a 15 and 14 year old girl and boy, I have a step-daughter who is 9, and a 3 year old daughter who I share with the man I plan to spend the rest of my years with, ever how many that is. We have recently bought a house together, after living on our own in our own homes for 6+ years prior, it was a difficult transition, but we made it.
After I had my youngest, I went head first into post-partum depression and severe anxiety, it altered my life completely, both physically, mentally, emotionally, all of the above. I had it for almost 2 years before I finally saw a doctor and was diagnosed, during those 2 years my life completely changed. I was mean, a horrible person to be around, I broke off my 4 year relationship with a guy I knew I loved more than anything but during that time I hated him, despised him actually. I hurt many people who over the last year I've tried to make amends with, kind of like they do in AA, I dug deep though in many cases I didn't have to dig too deep to find out who I hurt and in what way and I worked to correct that, I apologized, immensely, and set out to make things right. Therapy and many different medicines later, I am finally on the road to recovery, and that means rediscovering who I am with this anxiety that I have never dealt with before.
My mind likes to play out scenarios, in psychology they call it, twisted thinking: worst case scenario. I would spend hours before bed playing out all the things that could happen while I was asleep, not just saying the words but my mind would actually picture every tiny detail. If a fire started in the kitchen, my son would have smelled it first, I needed him to have an escape plan, to get to his sister on his way out, and then finally me and the baby, and then out of the house. I had plans for every possible route depending on where the fire started, I had people lined up to take my children in case anything happened to me, I updated wills, insurance. Before out annual beach trip I made out rules for swimming in the ocean, how to get out of a current, sharks were unavoidable and scary as hell, so in therapy I learned how to ask questions of my scenarios. How likely is this to happen, if it is likely is there anything I can do to stop it, to avoid it, if not I needed to let it go as out of my control, if yes then I made a plan. My life was made up of plans to avoid unavoidable things.
After 10 months in therapy I graduated, slowly got off my medicine because I didn't want to be the person who needed to rely on medicine to live, to be okay, to be normal.
When we purchased this house, every previous insecurity came back to haunt me, the first 3 months I honestly didn't know if we were going to survive it. And if a couple of 5 years couldn't handle living together, what were they a couple for. Without realizing it, my anxiety became to creep back in, slowly and then completely. I avoided the outside world, crowds of people any of whom could have a hidden bomb, or plans to kidnap one of my children. I stayed home in the safety of these walls, but then those no longer felt safe. At this point I reached out to a new surprise friend, my step-daughters mother. She talked me through a medicine my doctor had recommended, this medicine has been a life saver. I finally came to terms that I can't do this alone not without help and in order to be the best at all the things I need to be i needed help, admitting that was my first step.
I have a job I love with a company I love, managing projects is a calling I never knew I had. In March of 2017 I started selling scentsy on the side for extra funds during purchasing our home, I fell in love with it. 3 months ago I altered the way I wash my hair by starting the curly girl method. No shampoo brushes or harmful products on this hair and it's healthier than it has ever been. And now on to my newest journey, to find a healthy way to relax, relieve stress, and continue my 50+ weight loss journey that has suddenly hit a brick wall that just won't budge. After much research I've decided to start doing yoga. In which I've also begun to research Buddhism, yo go along with the research I had previously started on the Catholic religion.
This is my story, or recent story, this is why I'm here. Not necessarily for strangers to read but I tend to make better decisions talking it out, so that's what this is for. It's a place for me to talk it out, to journal my path, to see how far this newest adventure takes me. So here I am, it's me, May Leigh ❤